Clowns To The Left of Me, Jokers To The Right: The Gold Chronicles
by CJ Moliere
Summary: Crossover with Pirates of the Caribbean. Gold Chronicles AU: Emma and Killian are given instructions to open a portal to Venice Italy by Rumple to join the rest of the family for Carnival but something goes wrong and they end up on a supposedly deserted island with Jack Sparrow and Elizabeth Swann. It's pirate vs pirate and Swan vs Swann with too much rum and testosterone!


~ Should've Taken That Left Turn At Albuquerque!~

Juno Beach, Florida

"Killian, will you turn that off! We're running late as it is!" Emma complained when she walked into the living room of their apartment and found her lover sitting on the sofa watching Curse of the Black Pearl…for the millionth time. She loved the movie yes, she just didn't want to watch it several times a week along with its sequels as he did. A former pirate himself, Killian had fun picking apart Captain Jack Sparrow's character while Emma tortured him by pointing out how devastatingly handsome she thought Sparrow was. When he crossed over into this world with Regina Mills' bitch of a mother Cora eight years earlier his only mission was to kill Rumplestiltskin. Now eight years later they were co-owners of a country club called Golden Hook. They won the club by challenging its previous owners in an eighteen hole golf game Caddyshack style with Rumple scoring the winning hole without someone blowing up the course or using magic. The truce between them began in Neverland when they travelled there to rescue his grandson Henry from his father, Peter Pan or as Emma called him "The Father From Neverhell" and was cemented when Rumplestiltskin broke the curse of the dagger by killing the part of himself that was still the Dark One and his father…their world's two darkest evils and saving the people of Storybrooke from a second curse that would have taken away some of their memories and killed others.

With the breaking of the Dark One curse, the rule that no one could leave Storybrooke and keep their memories no longer applied and the residents were free to explore this new world they now lived in. The first place Killian visited was Las Vegas with Emma, Henry, the Charmings and Regina. He was already addicted to video slot machine gambling on Facebook thanks to Baelfire who taught him how to play. Killian wanted to make a fortune in Vegas so that he could ask Emma to marry him but his plans got sidetracked when Baelfire's criminal past caught up with him in Miami Beach and Henry convinced everyone to go there to help him and his grandfather out. Their stay in Miami Beach was interesting to say the least. While Baelfire and a Miami Beach vice officer set a trap to apprehend the drug dealer threatening them, the rest of the family was hiding out in a resort that served as a cover for a brothel. Now they all made nearby Juno Beach their home during the summer months and the former pirate ran a successful ship building business after being educated how to do so by Rumplestiltskin. He could never go back to the Enchanted Forest even if he wanted to. It was destroyed along with Oz and Wonderland when the emerald that harnessed the last of the magic of their world's goddess was destroyed in Oz a year after Pan's defeat.

When Killian finally did work up the courage to ask Emma to marry him, she turned him down and eight years later she was STILL turning him down, saying she wasn't ready. At first their close circle of friends found it hilarious that she kept him dangling like a worm on a hook…and not his own. Now they wondered why the hell he stayed. The answer was simple, he loved her and he would always love her, married or not.

Now he and Emma had the opportunity to go to Venice during Carnival, Europe's version of Mardi Gras. Nearly all of the Storybrooke residents had been invited by Rumple's Russian-Italian cousin, Zelena Strogoff D'Amato. She didn't have room for all of them in her villa so most of them would have to stay in hotels in the city. Killian loved a good party and there would be plenty of them in Venice.

They could have flown to Italy but it was much faster to use a portal. Before he and his family left for Venice, Rumple had given Emma a set of instructions on how to create a portal with her magic that would take her directly to his cousin's villa, Bel Sogno. The others left several days earlier, she and Killian had to stay behind until she finished testifying in a child custody case. She'd resigned as Sheriff of Storybrooke years ago, handing authority over to former Ozian police officer Wyatt Cain and became a private investigator.

Emma grabbed the remote and turned the TV off. "Time to set sail, Captain Hook!"

"Aye, Aye Captain Swan," he saluted and rose to his feet. She waved her hand over him and he was dressed in his old pirate's outfit while she wore one of her mother's outlaw costumes, not wanting to be caught dead in those elaborate Renaissance costumes the others had. "Okay, how do we do this?"

Emma stared at the silver coin in her hand. She was used to working with magic beans and hats not coins. She waved her hand over it and a hologram of Rumplestiltskin appeared.

"Now remember, Emma, the portal responds to mental commands so you must clear your mind of everything before you activate it and focus only on your intended destination. That goes for you too Killian since you are going through the portal with her. Drop the coin on the ground when you're ready. Were this one of the original Ozian travel storm tokens you would have to activate it in an open field for the funnel cloud to appear. We'll see you at Bel Sogno."

The image vanished.

"Ready?" she asked and dropped the coin on the ground. A large portal swirled in front of them. The couple joined hands and jumped in but when they came out they were not in Venice in Zelena's villa gardens as Emma wanted them to be. They were on an island.

"What the hell!" she cried and jumped to her feet, brushing the sand off her clothes. "Oh come on! How did I screw up? I was thinking about the villa like I was supposed to! I swear if that imp missed something in his instructions I am going to be so pissed."

"Ummm….love…I think this is my fault." Killian lowered his head.

"What? Killian, what the hell were you thinking about before we jumped in here? Do you even know where you sent us?"

"We'll know soon enough though I don't know how the hell it's even possible. C'mon."

She was going to kill him.

Meanwhile on the other side of the island Captain Jack Sparrow was seething. Once again he found himself marooned on that godforsaken island while that son of a bitch Barbossa sailed off on HIS ship.

"That's the second time I've had to watch that man sail away with my ship!" he said angrily.

"But you were marooned on this island before, weren't you? So we can escape in the same way you did then." Elizabeth Swann was saying as she followed him.

"To what point and purpose, young missy? The Black Pearl is gone and unless you have a rudder and a lot of sails hidden in that bodice," his eyes lowered to her bosom. "…unlikely, young Mr. Turner will be dead long before you can reach him." He knocked down a tree trunk, counted four paces and jumped up and down, finding the spot he was looking for.

"But you're Captain Jack Sparrow! You vanished from under the eyes of seven agents of the East India Company. You sacked Nassau Port without even firing a shot. Are you the pirate I've read about or not? How did you escape last time?"

"Last time…I was here a grand total of three days, all right? Last time..." He pulled open a secret door. "…the rumrunners used this island as a cache. Came by, and I was able to barter a passage off. From the looks of things, they've long been out of business. Probably…have your bloody friend Norrington to thank for that." He grabbed two bottles of rum and climbed out of the hole.

"So that's it then? That's the secret grand adventure of the infamous Jack Sparrow? You spent three days lying on a beach, drinking rum?!"

"Welcome to the Caribbean, love." He thrust a bottle into her hands.

"Lush!" Elizabeth grumbled and took a sip.

The sun was beating down on them and Emma could feel her face burning and her clothes were sticking to her body from the sweat yet they didn't dare remove them to expose themselves to too much sun. She felt like they'd been walking for hours and there was not a shady spot in sight. Islands were supposed to be Paradise but this looked more like Hell.

_Okay, this is the place but where the hell is Sparrow? _Killian pondered. He had his suspicions that Sparrow was also real like the rest of them though the actual story differed from what everyone else knew of it. He couldn't see a signal fire from Elizabeth burning the cases of rum. That meant either she didn't do it yet or she didn't exist in the real story. That would've been a shame. She was so much like his Emma that it was a bit terrifying and made a damned good pirate too. So would Emma.

Finally they spotted a palm tree and sought sanctuary underneath it. Killian took his flask out of his coat pocket and handed it to Emma. As she suspected, it was filled with rum. She would scold him over it later but for now she was thirsty…and the rum was piss warm.

"Now, do you mind telling me where the hell we are, Jones?"

"Ummm…the same island Jack and Elizabeth were marooned on," Killian answered.

"You have GOT to be kidding me! You're dead, Jones! D…E…A…D dead! Were you not listening when Rum said we had to make sure we were thinking about nothing else but Zelena's villa in Venice? No, you're thinking about that goddam movie and now we're stuck here!"

"Can't you just reopen the portal?"

"No. I don't have the coin. Had we gone to the right place, I wouldn't need to worry about it. I feel like Bugs Bunny…I knew I should've taken that left turn at Albuquerque…or left you at home!"

"It's not like I meant to put us off course!" Killian protested. "But while we're here, we may as well make the best of it. The rum cache and the food supply have to be around here somewhere….just have to find it."

"We are not going to spend the entire time getting drunk!"

"The sea water doesn't taste any better, love."

"All right...let's find the stash."

They continued walking until they found themselves on the opposite side of the island that now looked familiar to them from the movie. They crawled down into the hole and found enough food and rum for at least a month. As they were crawling out of the hole, Killian felt the tip of a sword being pressed against his chest.

"Who the hell are you?" Captain Jack Sparrow demanded.


End file.
